Soaring and Stillness: Life with the Chickadees

I’ve deeply wrestled lately with identity and purpose.  I believe I’m prepared for the road. I’ve diligently studied the map. But then, BAM, there is an unexpected turn or I encounter brambles that pull and tear at my clothing. Here, in the unknown, I turn into a frazzled, frustrated mess questioning each inch of the cartography.  “Why am I doing this?” “Is it even worth it to continue?” “Why is no one here to help me?” “Where am I actually headed?” I’ve long sought to teach the chickadees that there is a great difference between desire and purpose and that is normal and acceptable to question. Doing what we want to do  is incredibly different than doing what we are called to do. For small humans, it is remarkably easy to redirect the want for the should. It might have taken some extra persuasion, but generally those beautiful, big, soulful eyes showed agreement and little hands slipped inside of mine and we fairly easily continued down a path. They grew, and heels d...

I have a dear friend who closes with  all shall be well . It's a battle cry and motto, but it's also a deep seeded belief. A series of words that she holds to when the sand passes through her fingers or there is no foothold in the wall. She's beautiful and kind and full of Jesus. She loves her family and her community. She brings awareness to what is important to her. She's also not long for this world. It makes my heart squeeze in a manner I'm only too familiar with. Growing up, September was about the roar of that big stadium in Ann Arbor, the crisp bite of a breeze, the cheer in the air. It was back-to-school clothes and waiting at the bus stop and the first hint of the brilliance of the trees. I met new teachers, lost teeth, found a routine, and loved every minute of all of it. Fall was my favorite, and September brought about all of the things that made it so, for she was the promise of all that was to come. Promises are interesting beasts. As kids, we pi...

Today I'm joining my friend The Gypsy Mama for five minutes where I'll write without editing, backtracking, or second guessing.  Because in the writing? We see the blessings. Today's topic?   Opportunity. Ready, Set, Go....               .   .   .   .   . "Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can - there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did." -Sarah Caldwell July 2010 She taught me many things, that sweet sister who best described our relationship as familyship ... Listen far more than you speak Hear with your heart Cherish Dream big dreams What is frustrating in the moment may serve one well in the long haul See everything in life as an opportunity When you live your life as though everything is an opportunity, nothing becomes a true disappointment. I don't mean that disappointment does not occur...I just mean that it won't shatter...

An unknown author once wrote, "You can't wrap a hug in a box, but you can wrap a person in your arms." A statement which was proven false just a few weeks ago. A package arrived, ferried over seas, over islands, thousands of miles from it's origin. Destination? A southern front porch.  Sender? One sweet friend and her adorable daughter. In favorite hues it came, with love exploding...delicate practice embroidery done by a hand that not long ago learned to form letters. Pastels abounded. Gifts fit for princesses. The chicks were floored, in awe. As was I, working to control the tears that this box brought to my throat; whelmed with the pure generosity of it all. As it always goes, the Mama was last into the box. There, I found nestled gently, a beautiful note, tied with ribbon and specific instructions... Always one to obey, I promptly did as instructed by my heart-filled friend. Handing the camera to the eldest,  I un...

The tree comes out the weekend after my birthday, usually going up amid shouts and cheers for our boys in blue as I carefully unwrap precious ornaments given decades ago. The small pieces of cloth, glass, metal, and wood are treasures in our home; Each piece gave me pause. I stood, remembering the friend who so lovingly stitched our "Yard of the Month" ornament while we were in the Navy together.  Those years when the grace girl was toddling around and I was ripping out bushes and changing landscaping in officer housing...giving attention to something that stayed done for more than four minutes with an active babe in the house. It was the three of us, a time where work didn't come home with the man because it was classified and our nights and weekends were all ours to shower our girl with stories and play and attention. Then came the block "M" for the years of the PhD and little bit joining us...the hospital she was born in bearing the same title as th...

Today I'm linking up with The Gypsy Mama and trying out her five minute Friday. For five minutes I'll write, unscripted and unedited.  Today's topic? Remember.   Ready, set....Go. REMEMBER I can't remember what it's like to live not feeling every joint I've been given. The joke around the nest is that I still have all of my original parts. Every single one, even when I feel that they need a lube and oil. I'm grateful. The chicks mouths gaped in awe on on an evening not too long ago as I told stories they probably thought they were fairy tales  about... Dancing Playing soccer year round Running miles, long and hard, the breath coming from the deep and the exhilaration filling all parts of me Remembering... ...twirling in shoes pink and soft, feeling beautiful. ...long hours on the field in all weather, on and off for over a decade. ... how it felt when my feet barely touched the soil and I was lost to everything except the thou...

This morning I got lost in the remembering... Instead of bustling through my schedule and checking things off the to-do list, I paused and looked over my shoulder Carving with my Dad (I was 12 days short of 5 years) Belle 2004 October 2005 2006 Cinderella and a tired trick-or-treater Fern and my little pumpkin 2007 (yes,  we got mileage out of the pumpkin) First Year in TN  2008 Oct 31, 2009 Disney for Daddy's work conference Glamour Girl and Pebbles October 31, 2010 Little Witch (Professor Petite) 2011 As I was perusing the Halloween shots, I came across this one, taken seven years ago today... November 1, 2004 Seven years ago... My girls were four and the all important half and almost three months ... I thought I'd never sleep again and wondered how I was going to shop for Christmas with two little people. I recall making dinner and thinking  it was strangely quiet...too quiet. I peaked my h...

Today, I felt her everywhere but could find her nowhere. So, I did something I've neglected to do for well over a month...I grabbed my phone and headed outdoors, a daily occurrence when she was alive. I heard her in the crisp fall leaves beneath our feet I saw her reach in the arms of my eldest, flung heavenward with  face upturned to the sunlight She was there in the solitary leaf gently drifting from the  pile, unconcerned with remaining in the neat bundle of all the others.. .. She was exuberantly  present in this grin and in the joyous release of leaves as they flew high and fluttered down slowly  in the warm fall air... I'm quite sure I felt her here as I gazed out into the quiet of the backyard as the sun began  to set behind one of her favorite trees... (note the sparkle in the grass which only appeared  via the shot) So, I looked with my heart and I found her everywhere.... In the beau...

Overheard in the nest ... "If I was a sewing machine manual, where would I be?" "That seriously sounded a whole lot like Jonathan Edwards..." "I think he was drunk. That's the only thing that could explain it." "Get out of the toilet! Toilets are NOT for drinking out of...Now she smells like a toilet!" (in reference to the dog) "She's better than I am at piano...even if I practiced as much as she does there's really no way I'd be that skilled. But I don't care if I'm amazing at piano, so it doesn't really matter." "Mama, I really appreciate you sewing my antlers for me." "What does the ___word mean?"  My response: "Where did you hear THAT?" "How many people does it take to sew a comb on a headband? Two...especially when the Mom's hands don't work and the wearer has to hold the elastic while said mother sews with both hands. Two people. Four hands. Pit...

Today I took the time to gently lift her into my arms and sway around the kitchen.  Laying aside all of the I have to's   and instead looking her in the eyes and noticing the lonely. Wondering if my eyes look the same I stopped cleaning up dinner and unloading the dishwasher and pulling out the vitamin regiment for the 'morrow. I started listening to the quiet of her heart.  The place that was calling out for more of me in the regular moments. Scrolling through the music on the phone, I found her song. The one I've sang to her since her NICU days. Choosing it carefully, pushing play, watching the wonder in her eyes. She  did not realize it was on our devices. Wonder replacing lonely My little is still small enough to fit on my hip, even at seven. I tell her it's God's gift to me, being able to tote her when she gets tired or hurt or just plain lonely . Growing up isn't easy. Neither is being grown up. Knowing this, I hold her tighter and we glide aroun...

Before Sara died, she asked me to speak at her wake. She didn't desire that I share with others memories  of  her. Rather, she asked that I speak about who she was in this world. She told me that she wanted people who came  to see her  as I spoke.  She also told me I wasn't allowed to cry. It would, she stated, "Make things less effective."  Love her.   A friend who was present asked that I  ( Shannon )  put it up for all of you, who were unable to join us at the service, to read. .  .  .  .  .  .  . Gail Caldwell wrote:  "It's an old, old story. I had a friend and we shared everything, and then she died and so we shared that too."   Words are powerful. Uniting. They shape our view of the world, ourselves, each other. Words, in the best cases, make us immortal. Words are how I found her. Faith is what brought us together. A friend send me an email, asking me to pray for a mother wh...

This Week... This week I've stated "She can't hurt a thing." and meant it every single time This week I drove to Gatlinburg to eat at a pancake place for lunch, and I don't eat lunch This week I've done loads of laundry to remove meals off of clothing and I've treasured folding every single piece This week I watched my eldest with new eyes as she toted on a hip, grabbed things, entertained and all around looked like I did with her--although beautiful, this scared me This week I didn't care that my wood floors weren't cleaned and shiny--I treasured little tiny footprints mixed with big ones all over it This week my main room looked bare--all of the throw pillows were removed and the rug pulled up so I didn't have to worry about milk being spilled or cheese and cracker crumbs being dropped--but my couch was full This week, my Wheatie, Tallulah Mae (aka Lulu) became "OOOH-LU" and was the most gentle and sweet I've ever seen h...